in your prescence, there is peace

Healing is not always a single ‘moment’. 

I feel like for some time I was waiting for some radical change, grand revelation, reassurance, or even just confirmation that I am whole and healed. 

I was feeling like I had to reach a point where I put my feet on the ground every morning thinking “okay, this is me, this is what I do. I have reason and purpose. I don’t have questions about anything. I know who I am, and I’m good.”

I was waiting for some sort of acknowledgment, or the lighting of a match almost. A fire within me that would blind me from the fear and anxiety that crippled my mind. 

I was just thinking that through the healing process,  “I’m not enough right now.”

“My heart is not in a place for new things, yet.”

Thinking “I am waiting to reach a point where I know that things are different.” The “Aha!” moment. I’ll just wake up one morning and I’ll hit the ground running. 

It wasn’t news to me that I was broken. I felt broken and I knew of the tainted areas in my life that God had washed away. But I didn’t know (and don’t ever need to know) the answer to everything. My mind was occupied by all the wrongs and I felt like I deserved to feel bad for sometime. I was torn with condemnation. 

God doesn’t owe me anything. No insight or glimpses into the plan He has for me. Even if I have to go my whole life trusting and believing with faith the size of a mustard seed, that’s all I need, and  I wouldn’t turn away. The Holy Spirit gives us grace and when we seek Him first, He shows us the healing through his ways. 

He shows us what love really looks like. 

He shows us what life was really meant to feel/live like. 

Truth is, when we realize the tainted areas of ourselves that bring shame, disgust, and other deadening emotions – God already knows all of this from the beginning to the end.  

A life with Christ is never about reaching perfection or righting all the wrongs. Yes, we need to repent and turn away from old things but the reason is because what we are created for is REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD. God wants us to seek Him.  To get back to this, we need to be honest with ourselves and come to God with an open heart. 

Don’t worry about what your parents/family did (or are doing), don’t worry about what those people said, don’t worry about what the enemy tries to trip you up with. Come to God and earnestly seek to learn his character, and in turn you will understand who you really are. Forgiving ourselves and each other isn’t about forgetting and excusing the wrongdoings, its about fully opening our hearts to be healed and transformed through His love and forgiveness. 

Good things take time. 

Healthy relationships take time and effort. 

Identity is not blurry or confusing, and certainly not “fluid”. 

You are who you are because God created you and he is inviting you into his presence. It’s not scary or disappointing to need healing (a lie I once believed). 

God knew you and your troubles before you could even understand or comprehend any detail of this life. 

We are so loved. We are not perfect and things are not always going to be the way that they are. There is a season for everything (Ecclesiastes 3), and the Holy Spirit gives us grace and guidance through it all. 

God is author and perfecter of faith (Hebrews 12). Don’t let anyone’s actions define God, and by all means don’t allow the enemy’s toxicity to paralyze you. 

Fight the good fight (2 Timothy 4:7). Fight for your mind and your heart (its never too late to start). God has already won this war, you don’t need to worry about the little battles in this life. 

I’m not inviting apathy or carelessness by encouraging those who read this not to worry about anything. I’m trying to invoke a new perspective on the lies that once enveloped my mind, and may be doing the same in yours. 

I’m writing about full surrender. About understanding that we don’t need to be obsessed with hitting the mark every time and suddenly spiraling down a rabbit hole of fear, shame, guilt, anxiety, and self-hatred when condemnation seeps in. 

We have the power to fight. You are not left to your own devices (Ephesians 6), and no matter how long it takes you to get out of the rabbit hole just know that the Holy Spirit is with you. There’s so much more that I could go on about, but my point is that healing is not a simple equation for us to figure out or solve. 

Healing is found in the truth. The truth that sets us free (John 8:32). Life is continuous. It goes on and on until the end of time. There isn’t anything new under the sun, but no matter what era, century, year, or day you are alive during – God cares and He is there. God knows the beginning and the end. We don’t need to worry, we just need to trust in Him. We need to stand firm in His promise and persevere. He doesn’t leave us alone to figure all this out. We have the Holy Spirit, and we have our identity in Christ. 

We need God’s strength everyday, not just when we want something or go through something. ‘Christ is risen’ applies to every day, every person, and every situation. 

The enemy can try all he wants to disarm believers, and sometimes we do fall and claim defeat. God calls us to Him, and He draws us near, no matter how many times we have to get back up and keep going. 

Just remember that it’s all a process and God is faithful. God wants to hear us tell Him our joys and all our troubles in this life. Allow yourself to seek God, yourself. Don’t base your faith or who God is simply on your environment or the people surrounding you. Ask God for depth and pure, whole-hearted relationship with Him. 

You won’t be disappointed. You’ll soon learn what true love looks like, and the depths that bring you the greatest of peace and comforts.